The check-in

Ask, then stay quiet long enough that they have to answer properly. Most people who reach out are not looking for a solution. They are looking for a witness. The single most useful question is not “have you tried” but “what do you need from me right now,” because people usually know the answer and have simply never been asked.

I’ve been checking in on people since before I had any idea what I was doing.

As a kid I noticed when people were off. I asked questions others didn’t. I stayed a bit longer to make sure someone was actually okay. It wasn’t strategy. It was just something I did.

What I’ve learned since, through my own experience, my counselling work, and more than a few hard lessons, is that checking in well is harder than it looks. And getting it wrong, even with the best intentions, can leave someone more alone than if you’d said nothing at all.

When someone we care about is struggling, the natural instinct is to help. And for most of us, help defaults to solve. Identify the problem. Find the answer. Make it better. Move on.

I understand this instinct. I spent a significant part of my marriage trying to protect my ex-wife from pain. What I now understand is that I was, in doing so, removing her opportunities to grow through it. What looked like care was, underneath, a kind of condescension. The unspoken message: you can’t handle this, so I’ll handle it for you.

Here’s what I’ve learned: when someone reaches out, most of the time they’re not looking for solutions. They’re looking for a witness. Someone to hear them. Someone to say “that sounds really hard” and mean it, without immediately pivoting to “have you tried…”

Attempting to fix someone else’s experience often frustrates and disempowers them. It says the discomfort needs to be removed rather than moved through. Most of the time, it needs to be moved through.

Listen. Actually listen, not while planning your response, not while scanning for a solution, but with genuine curiosity and no agenda.

Ask open questions. “What’s that been like?” “What do you need from me right now?”

That second question is one of the most useful in the toolkit. Because sometimes people need an ear. Sometimes they need a second opinion. Sometimes they need to be gently challenged on their thinking. They usually know which one, they’ve just never been asked.

Before I process something with someone I trust, I often set the frame upfront: “I just need to talk this through, I’m not looking to be fixed.” Or: “I’d actually like your honest take.” That framing changes the whole conversation. It takes the pressure off both people and makes space for what’s actually needed.

The check-in isn’t only about other people.

I use journalling as a regular way of checking in with myself. I also see a psychologist. And I have a small number of people I can contact when I need to process something out loud. I’m deliberate about who’s in that group, not everyone has the capacity to hold what you’re carrying, and that’s not a criticism of anyone, it’s just reality. Knowing who to go to, for what, is a skill that takes time to develop.

If you’re not sure where to start, start here: “How am I actually doing?”

Then sit with the answer long enough to hear it honestly.

• Ask, then wait. The useful part of a check-in is the silence after the question. Most honest answers arrive on the second attempt, not the first.

• Ask what they need before you offer anything. An ear, a second opinion, or an honest challenge are three different jobs. Guessing wrong is how good intentions leave someone more alone.

• Set the frame when you are the one talking. Saying “I just need to talk this through, I am not after a fix” takes the pressure off both people and gets you what you actually came for.

• Work out who is on your list. Not everyone has the capacity to hold what you are carrying. That is not a criticism of them. Knowing who to go to, and for what, is a skill.

• Check in with yourself on a schedule. Ask how you are going, then sit with the answer long enough to hear it honestly.

This week: check in on one person properly. Ask twice, and say nothing after the second time until they fill the space.

Ask directly, then stay quiet. The first answer is usually a reflex. Ask once more, in a way that shows you meant it, and leave enough silence that they have room to say something real.

Less than you think. “That sounds really hard” said with meaning is worth more than any suggestion. Follow it with a question about what it has been like rather than a pivot to what they should do.

Because it quietly says the discomfort needs removing rather than moving through, and it takes the problem off them without their agreement. Most people can handle their own situation. What they cannot do is handle it while feeling like nobody believes they can.

“What do you need from me right now?” It is the most useful question in the toolkit because it hands the choice back. People almost always know whether they want an ear, a view or a challenge. They have just rarely been asked.

You probably will at some point, and it is far less damaging than saying nothing. Turning up imperfectly beats absence. If it lands badly, name it and ask what would have been more useful.

Ask how you are going and sit with the answer rather than the first version of it. Writing it down helps, because a thought you can see is easier to question than a thought you are inside.

If something has come up in your own check-in and you would like to talk it through, I offer a free introductory call. No cost, no pressure, no obligation. Click the banner above or get in touch on 0422967392.

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