“Do I have to lie on a couch and talk about my childhood?”
As a counsellor who works with many male clients accessing counselling for the first time, it’s among some of the questions I’ve been asked when they finally reach out for support. It may be tongue-in-cheek, but it does illustrate the gap between the misconceptions that often prevent guys from reaching out vs the reality, which can be so much more practical.
Many men (myself included back when I first accessed support!) come into therapy with expectations shaped by movies, stigma, or outdated ideas of what asking for help really means. But what they actually want – and what they get when therapy is done right – often surprises them.
We’ve come a long way thanks to work done by organisations such as Movember, The Shaka Project, Without Fear, Trademutt and TIACS. The number of men accessing mental health support services is steadily increasing, which illustrates not only greater awareness around mental health challenges specific to men, but also a greater inclination to put our hand up and admit we could use some help. But there’s still work to do, which is why it’s important to unpack the gap between what men expect from counselling and what they truly want and need.
If that sounds familiar, if you’re looking for a “male therapist near me” or wondered “is therapy worth it?” this one’s for you.
What therapy is to men who haven’t accessed it:
Let’s be honest: therapy still has a branding problem; especially for us as men.
It also seems like everyone has an opinion on men’s mental health these days.
Making matters more complicated is the fact that a lot of those opinions aren’t great, they tend towards a focus on the negative, or are coming from an angle that is more aligned to selling something or attracting more “followers” than it is to providing practical strategies or access to the necessary support.
Here’s what many expect walking into mental health support for the first time:
❌ Long emotional lectures
We assume therapy means endlessly talking about feelings or being told we’re doing everything wrong. We think a ‘doctor’ (of sorts) is going to be sitting across from us taking notes the whole time, analysing us and relentlessly asking, “how does that make you feel?”
❌ Judgement
There’s a fear of being shamed or criticised for struggling, especially around relationships, addiction, anger, or sex. We don’t necessarily want to be ‘diagnosed’ according to what someone has read in a textbook, and feel like we will walk out of a session feeling worse than when we walked in.
❌ A focus on the past
Many of us have been led to believe that therapy will dwell only on childhood issues or trauma, without practical solutions for what’s happening right now. There is apprehension around the possibility of being “forced” to talk about things we’re not ready to talk about and what that might bring up.
❌ Lots of paperwork
We hear about GP appointments, referrals, Mental Health Treatment Plans, Private health insurance, Medicare, rebates, wait times, etc. It all just feels too hard.
The truth is, counselling is a self-referral service and whilst counsellors may not offer subsidies on their session fees, they are often less expensive than the alternatives, have shorter wait times and involve less paperwork, which provides more time to focus on what’s important.
❌ Losing control
There’s often a sense that opening up means being vulnerable, weak, or not “in control.” This not only clashes with how many men have been raised to see ourselves, but also, the fear of “losing control” can be a big barrier to taking that first step to finding a counsellor that is the right fit.
❌ Therapy will ‘fix’ things
“Will therapy fix me?”
It’s another common question I hear, and the truth is, no it won’t.
Therapy is a collaborative process.
A good therapist will help us identify patterns, thoughts and behaviours that may not be working for us, work with us to develop our understanding around where they come from and provide alternatives that could be more beneficial. However, what happens outside each counselling session is the biggest factor in us making the progress we’re looking for.
Much like rehab exercises for an injury need to be done outside of our physio appointments, it’s important that we’re taking action in the time between counselling sessions to start to see evidence of progress.
❌ “Talking about my feelings won’t help”
Correct. Only talking about our feelings likely won’t make a significant difference to how we’re feeling. However, the right counsellor will do more than just listen to how we’re feeling. They will work with us to help us understand ourselves better and provide practical strategies to help improve the elements of our lives that we would like to focus on.
The outcomes men are looking for:
After a few sessions with the right therapist, the expectations start to fall away. What rises to the surface is often a quiet, long-held hope for:
✅ Clarity
We want help making sense of the noise. Whether it’s stress, relationship conflict, or emotional overwhelm, we’re looking for tools to think clearly and feel more in control of our emotions. That doesn’t mean emotional suppression, but rather better understanding and healthy emotional expression.
✅ Relief from pressure
So many of us carry the unspoken weight of needing to hold it all together. Therapy becomes one of the only places we don’t have to perform or protect everyone else. We want to have the conversations we can’t have with anyone else in our circle, with someone who is in 100% our corner and is focused on supporting us through practical strategies we can use.
✅ Practical strategies
Forget abstract theories. Whilst there is occasionally a place for them, what we often value are concrete steps: how to communicate better, manage anger, cope with anxiety, or reconnect with a partner.
👉 “How can I feel better?”
👉 “Why do I feel like this?”
👉 “I feel stuck. How do I move forward?”
It’s taking those questions, working out what’s going on behind them and putting steps in place to begin making meaningful progress ASAP.
✅ Someone who ‘gets’ it
We just want to talk to someone who won’t judge us, who listens and who understands that being a man in today’s world is complicated.
We want to feel respected, heard, valued for who we are and supported in finding solutions that work for us.
We want someone who has been through it themselves, not just someone who has read about things in a book. There’s a difference between following a rehabilitation protocol issued by a physio who has gone through the same injury vs one straight out of uni.
Life experience matters.
✅ Results
We don’t want to be “stuck” in therapy forever. We want strategies and solutions we can implement, and we want to see progress.
Ideally, that’s how therapy works.
1️⃣ We identify an issue
2️⃣ We find someone who can help,
3️⃣ We take action to understand and address the issue.
4️⃣ Things improve
It may seem overly simple, and the reality is heavily dependent on individual circumstances, but it’s what we want.
Common themes men bring to counselling:
Here are some of the most common reasons men reach out for support:
🔸 “I’m always angry or shut down and I don’t know why.”
🔸 “My relationship is falling apart, and I don’t know how to fix it.”
🔸 “I feel numb. I used to be motivated, now I just exist.”
🔸 “Everyone thinks I’m fine, but I’m not sleeping, and I always feel exhausted.”
🔸 “I’m anxious all the time.”
🔸 “I’m stuck in bad habits and I hate who I’m becoming.”
🔸 “I don’t want to feel like this anymore and I don’t know what to do about it.”
If any of these sound familiar, speaking with your GP or therapist might be the safest place to start unpacking it.
Why men often wait too long to reach out:
Men are often conditioned to handle it alone, avoid showing “weakness”, and to only seek help when things are really bad.
The result?
🔻 Strained/broken relationships
🔻 Poor communication skills and fear around expressing ourselves
🔻 Emotional burnout without realising it
🔻 Feeling isolated or alone, even within friendships, relationships or group settings
🔻 Physical symptoms like sleep issues or constant fatigue
Whilst awareness and engagement around mental health support may be improving, the reality is, therapy isn’t a last resort. It’s a proactive tool for growth, self-awareness, and building solid foundations (pun intended).
Accessing a therapist before things deteriorate further goes a long way towards making progress quickly and reduces the damage done along the way.
My approach to the counselling process at Solid Foundations Counselling:
Here’s the reality of what a counselling session with me looks like:
🔹 We start with explaining the guidelines and confirming understanding around confidentiality
🔹 Discussion around the reason for the session and what you’d like to get out of our time together
🔹 Background information relating to the situation
🔹 Questions that help develop understanding around patterns, and connect the dots between thoughts, behaviours, emotions and outcomes.
🔹 We explore what’s working, what’s not, and what you want to change.
🔹 We use real strategies to help you understand things better, manage stress, improve relationships, or feel more like yourself again.
If your past is impacting your present, yes, we’ll talk about it, but only when you feel comfortable and always with purpose and respect.
Initially, I often see clients once per week for a few weeks. This usually extends to fortnightly, then monthly before we part ways and check in a couple of times per year.
The biggest benefit in establishing a rapport with someone you trust is that the foundation exists for when challenges present themselves again in the future and you need to reach out again.
It’s easier with someone in your corner
✅ If you want to feel like yourself again.
✅ If you want connection, clarity, and confidence.
✅ If you want want relief from the pressure you’re feeling.
✅ If you want someone who will listen without judgement.
✅ If you want to know that it’s okay to need support and that you’ve come to the right person to get it.
Counselling can help you get there.
If you’re feeling stuck, burnt out, disconnected, or angry, don’t wait until it gets worse.
Still unsure?
Check out my resources page here for more information and other support services available.
📍 Solid Foundations Counselling: Based in Melbourne: in-person and online.
👥 Supporting men, couples, and anyone ready for real change.
🔗 Book a free intro call and let’s get started
