What to expect in couples counselling: A complete guide

If you’re reading this, chances are you and your partner have been having the same argument for months (or years), or maybe you’ve simply grown apart and aren’t sure how to reconnect. The idea of couples counselling might feel both hopeful and terrifying at the same time. Will we air our dirty laundry to a stranger? Will they take sides? Can our relationship actually be saved?

As a relationship counsellor who works with couples regularly, I want to pull back the curtain on what really happens in couples therapy. Whether you’re both ready to dive in or you’re the one dragging a reluctant partner along, understanding what to expect can help you make the most of this important step.

Read my Brief guide to couple’s counselling here

It’s a structured, evidence-based process designed to help you understand your relationship patterns, improve communication, and build stronger emotional connections.

In my practice, I see couples at every stage – from newlyweds navigating their first major conflict to long-term partners trying to rekindle their connection. What they all have in common is a desire to improve their relationship, even if they’re not sure how to get there.

During your initial couples therapy session, expect to spend time sharing your relationship history, current challenges, and individual goals. I typically ask couples to tell me their story – how they met, what drew them together, and when things started feeling difficult. This isn’t about blame; it’s about understanding the context of your relationship.

What you can expect:

✅ A safe, non-judgmental space to express concerns

✅ Initial goal-setting for your therapy journey

✅ Discussion of boundaries and expectations

✅ An overview of therapeutic approaches we’ll use

If you’re ready to get started, book a session here

One of the most powerful frameworks we use in relationship counselling is attachment theory. Developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape our adult romantic relationships.

The four attachment styles

1️⃣ Secure attachment (about 50-60% of adults):

People with secure attachment generally feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They communicate needs clearly, manage conflict well, and trust their partners. If you’re securely attached, you likely serve as a stabilising force in your relationship.

2️⃣ Anxious attachment (about 15-20% of adults):

Those with anxious attachment often crave closeness but worry about their partner’s commitment. They may become preoccupied with the relationship, seek constant reassurance, and have difficulty self-soothing during conflict. Research shows anxiously attached individuals often experience higher relationship satisfaction when their needs for security are met.

3️⃣ Avoidant attachment (about 20-25% of adults):

Avoidant individuals value independence and may struggle with emotional intimacy. They often minimise their emotional needs and may withdraw during conflict. This can leave partners feeling shut out or rejected.

4️⃣ Disorganised attachment (about 5-10% of adults):

This style combines anxious and avoidant patterns, often resulting from inconsistent or traumatic early experiences. People with disorganised attachment may want closeness but fear it simultaneously.

Understanding your attachment styles helps explain many relationship conflicts. For example, when an anxiously attached partner seeks reassurance and an avoidant partner withdraws, they create what we call a “pursue-withdraw” cycle. Neither partner is wrong; they’re simply operating from different attachment needs.

Studies by Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), show that 70-73% of couples who complete EFT report significant relationship improvement, largely by addressing these underlying attachment needs.

In my experience, there are certain patterns that show up repeatedly in couples therapy. Recognising these patterns can be incredibly validating; you’re not uniquely broken, and your struggles are more common than you might think.

👉🏽 The pursuit-withdrawal cycle

This is perhaps the most common pattern I see. One partner (often anxiously attached) seeks connection, discussion, or resolution, while the other (often avoidantly attached) withdraws, shuts down, or becomes defensive. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws, creating a painful cycle.

Breaking the cycle involves:

✅ Recognising the pattern when it’s happening

✅ Understanding each partner’s underlying needs

✅ Learning to communicate these needs differently

✅ Developing new ways to seek and offer comfort

👉🏽 The criticism-defensiveness trap

Dr. John Gottman’s research identifies criticism and defensiveness as two of the “Four Horsemen” that predict relationship failure. When one partner criticises, the other becomes defensive, leading to escalating conflict without resolution.

Healthy alternatives include:

✅ Making requests instead of complaints

✅ Taking responsibility for your part in conflicts

✅ Expressing needs without attacking character

✅ Listening to understand, not to win

👉🏽 The emotional flooding pattern

Some couples get so overwhelmed during conflict that they can’t think clearly or communicate effectively. This “flooding” triggers fight-or-flight responses, making productive conversation impossible.

Managing flooding involves:

✅ Recognising your early warning signs

✅ Taking breaks when overwhelmed

✅ Learning self-soothing techniques

✅ Returning to conversations when calm

While couples counselling focuses on relationship dynamics, sometimes individual issues need attention too. This doesn’t mean your relationship is failing, it means we’re being thorough about creating lasting change.

‼️Common individual themes that affect relationships

❗️Anxiety and depression: Mental health challenges can significantly impact relationship satisfaction. Research shows that when one partner experiences depression, both partners report lower relationship satisfaction.

❗️Trauma history: Past experiences, including childhood trauma or previous relationship trauma, can trigger responses that seem disproportionate to current situations.

❗️Addiction and compulsive behaviours: Whether it’s substance use, gambling, or other compulsive behaviours, these issues often require specialised individual attention alongside couples work.

❗️Communication styles: Sometimes partners need to work individually on assertiveness, emotional regulation, or conflict resolution skills.

💡The benefits of combined approaches

Many couples benefit from a combination of couples therapy and individual counselling. This might mean:

🔷 Alternating between couples and individual sessions

🔷 One partner working individually while the other attends couples sessions

🔷 Both partners engaged in individual therapy alongside couples work

This integrated approach allows us to address both relationship dynamics and individual growth, leading to more comprehensive and lasting change.

📌 Myth 1: “Couples therapy is only for relationships on the brink”

Reality: Many couples seek therapy as a preventive measure or to work through specific challenges. Research shows that couples who seek help early often have better outcomes.

📌 Myth 2: “The therapist will take sides”

Reality: Skilled relationship therapists maintain neutrality and focus on patterns, not blame. Our job is to help both partners feel heard and understood.

📌 Myth 3: “We should be able to figure this out ourselves”

Reality: Relationships require skills that most of us never learned. Just like you’d hire a trainer for fitness goals, a therapist provides expertise in relationship skills.

📌 Myth 4: “If we need therapy, we’re failing”

Reality: Seeking help shows strength and commitment to your relationship. It demonstrates that you value your partnership enough to invest in it.

📌 Myth 5: “Therapy will change my partner”

Reality: Therapy focuses on changing patterns of interaction, not changing who someone fundamentally is. The goal is better understanding and communication, not personality transformation.

The evidence supporting couples therapy is robust and encouraging:

☑️ Effectiveness: Studies show that 70-80% of couples report improvement in relationship satisfaction after therapy

☑️ Communication: Couples learn specific skills that improve communication quality and reduce conflict frequency

☑️ Intimacy: Many couples report increased emotional and physical intimacy after therapy

☑️ Individual growth: Partners often experience increased self-awareness and emotional regulation

☑️ Longevity: Couples who complete therapy are more likely to maintain relationship satisfaction over time

Evidence-based approaches commonly used include:

❇️ Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

❇️ Gottman Method Couples Therapy

❇️ Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for couples

❇️ Imago Relationship Therapy

One of the most common questions I hear is: “What if my partner won’t come to therapy?” This can be incredibly frustrating, but it doesn’t mean you’re powerless.

💭 Understanding reluctance

Partners might resist couples counselling for various reasons:

🚩 Fear of being blamed or judged

🚩 Past negative experiences with therapy

🚩 Believing they should handle problems privately

🚩 Feeling like therapy means admitting failure

🚩 Worry about the cost or time commitment

Approaching a reluctant partner

Start with curiosity, not demand: Instead of “We need couples therapy,” try “I’ve been thinking about some things in our relationship. What’s your perspective on how we’ve been doing?”

✅ Address their specific concerns:

If they’re worried about cost, research insurance coverage or sliding scale options. If they fear being blamed, explain that good therapy focuses on patterns, not fault.

✅ Suggest a trial period:

Propose attending just a few sessions to see if it’s helpful.

✅ Share your own vulnerability:

Explain how you’re struggling and what you hope to gain, rather than focusing on what they need to change.

Something that surprises many of my clients is the fact that individual therapy can significantly impact your relationship, even if your partner isn’t involved. When you change how you respond to relationship patterns, the entire dynamic shifts.

Ways individual work can help your relationship:

🔷 Developing better communication skills

🔷 Learning to manage your emotional responses

🔷 Setting healthy boundaries

🔷 Understanding your own attachment needs

🔷 Breaking your part of negative cycles

Research by Dr. William Doherty shows that when one partner makes significant changes, the relationship often improves, sometimes motivating the other partner to engage in the process.

To maximise your couples therapy investment:

Come prepared: Think about what you want to accomplish and what patterns you’ve noticed in your relationship.

Be honest: Therapy only works if you’re willing to be vulnerable and truthful about your experiences.

Practise between sessions: Use the tools and techniques you learn in therapy during your daily interactions.

Be patient: Relationship change takes time. Most couples see significant improvement after 12-20 sessions. This may seem like a lot, but consider it in the greater perspective of a lifelong commitment to a relationship that can stand the test of time.

Stay curious: Approach your partner’s perspective with genuine interest rather than judgement or resistance.

Seeking couples counselling is one of the most loving things you can do for your relationship. It shows that you value your partnership enough to seek professional support, learn new skills, and work through challenges together.

Whether you’re dealing with communication issues, trust concerns, life transitions, or simply want to strengthen your connection, therapy can provide the tools and insights you need. Even if your partner isn’t ready to join you, individual work can create positive changes that benefit your entire relationship.

Remember, every relationship faces challenges. The difference between couples who thrive and those who struggle isn’t the absence of problems, it’s the willingness to address them constructively. Couples therapy provides a roadmap for that journey, helping you build the relationship you both deserve.

If you’re considering couples counselling in Melbourne, get in touch via phone or email or book a session here.