My partner won’t come to counselling

You can still do the work. Relationship counselling with one person in the room is a legitimate and common piece of work, not a consolation prize.

A relationship is a pattern between two people, and a pattern needs both of them to keep running. When one person changes their part of it, the pattern has to change too. That’s not a guarantee about the outcome and it’s not a technique for changing your partner. It’s simply that half of the thing is yours; and half is more than nothing.

This is the most common thing I get asked about couples work, and it’s almost always asked apologetically.

They won’t come. He thinks it’s a waste of money. She says there’s nothing wrong. He says he doesn’t need a stranger telling him about his own marriage. She says if I have a problem, I should go.

So the person asking usually finishes the sentence with an apology, as though they’ve turned up with the wrong paperwork.

You haven’t. Here’s what you can do…

Relationship counselling with one person in the room is a real piece of meaningful work. It’s not a lesser version of the joint session and it’s not a waiting room until your partner comes round.

Here’s why it works.

A relationship isn’t two people sitting side by side. It’s a pattern running between them, and a pattern needs both people to keep it going. You have a part in it. You didn’t design it, you probably didn’t choose it, and you almost certainly can’t see all of it from where you’re standing, but it is partly yours.

When one person changes their part, the pattern can’t continue in the same shape. It has to become something else. Sometimes better, sometimes just different, but not the same.

What needs to be mentioned is that there’s a version of that sentence that’s manipulative, and it gets sold quite a lot. This isn’t a technique for changing your partner. If you go in with the aim of running a strategy on somebody who didn’t agree to be in a strategy, you’ll get worse results and you’ll deserve them.

Very few people refuse counselling because they don’t care about the relationship.

They refuse because they think it means the relationship is in a category they’re not ready to put it in. Going makes it official. Refusing keeps it a “rough patch.”

They refuse because they expect to be prosecuted. The picture in their head is a professional and their partner on one side of the room and them on the other, being told in a calm voice what’s wrong with them. Nobody volunteers for that.

They refuse because they’ve never spoken about their inner life to anybody, and being asked to start in front of the person whose opinion matters most, in a room they’re paying for, is a frightening proposition rather than a stubborn one.

Many refuse because they haven’t got the words. Not the willingness.; the words. That’s a different problem and it doesn’t respond to being asked more times. It responds from a place of support from someone who will help them communicate effectively.

None of that’s an argument for accepting it forever. It’s an argument for reading the refusal accurately, because a refusal that means “I’m scared” and a refusal that means “I’ve gone” require completely different responses from you.

I’m not going to describe my ex-wife or her side of anything, because that’s hers and she didn’t sign up to appear on a counselling website.

What is mine is this.

I was telling myself a version of the truth. My version; and I didn’t make effective attempts to communicate it. That’s the part I used to hold onto; I didn’t communicate it to anything near the degree the situation required.

I also thought we were on the same page, because I had asked, and because I had been told what I wanted to hear. That’s a thing two people can do to each other for years without either of them lying.

When I finally understood what was happening, it required action. I knew before I admitted it. That gap, between knowing and admitting, is where most of the damage got done. Not in the not knowing.

We never went to counselling until it was too late. I’m not going to tell you it would have fixed everything, because I have no idea. What I’m fairly sure of is that a third person in the room would have made it much harder for us to keep telling ourselves the version we preferred.

That’s worth something on its own. That might be the whole thing.

Stop recruiting. If you’ve asked more than twice, asking a third time is no longer information for them. It’s become pressure, and pressure produces compliance rather than participation, which doesn’t work in a counselling room.

Change what you’re asking for. “Come to counselling” is a large request that arrives with a verdict attached. “Come once, with me, to a conversation with someone, and if you hate it we never go back” is a much smaller one, and it’s honest.

Say what it’s for. Most people assume it’s to establish who’s right. Saying out loud that it’s not that, and that you’re not going in order to win, changes the proposition considerably.

Go on your own. Not as a threat and not announced as leverage. Just go, do the work on your part, and let the results be whatever they are. A surprising number of reluctant partners turn up eventually, not because they were persuaded but because something at home changed and they got curious.

And take the refusal seriously if it’s the other kind. If your partner won’t come because they’ve already gone, that’s a different situation. Support through the end of something is real work too.

• Work out which refusal you’re dealing with. Frightened, ashamed, wordless, or finished. They can look identical from outside and need completely different responses.

• Stop asking. If you’ve asked twice, a third ask stops being information and becomes pressure.

• Shrink the request. One session, together, and if they hate it you never go back. That’s a much smaller thing to say yes to.

• Name what it’s not for. Say out loud that you’re not going in order to prove a point; it’s an opportunity to access support for both of you. Many reluctant partners have never heard of that possibility.

• Go on your own and mean it. Not as leverage, not announced as a countdown. Go because half of the pattern is yours.

This week: book one session for yourself, or write down the three things you’d want said in a room if your partner was there with you.

Yes, and it’s a common and legitimate piece of work rather than a fallback. A relationship is a pattern between two people and half of that pattern is yours to look at, with or without them present.

It can, because a pattern needs both people to keep running in the same shape. When one person changes their part, it can’t continue unchanged. That’s not a promise about the outcome, and it’s not a method for changing somebody else.

The short answer is that you probably shouldn’t try to convince them, because pressure produces attendance rather than participation and the second one is what the room needs. What tends to help more is making the request smaller and honest: one session, and if they hate it you never go back.

Most commonly because going makes the problem official when refusing keeps it a rough patch, because they expect to be prosecuted in front of a stranger, or because they’ve never spoken about their inner life to anyone and don’t have the words yet. Indifference is well down the list.

Not on its own. It depends entirely on what the refusal means, and frightened, ashamed and finished all sound the same when someone says no. Working out which one you’re dealing with matters more than the refusal itself.

That’s a different situation and it deserves to be treated as one rather than worked around. Support through the ending of a relationship is genuine work, and doing it with less damage matters a great deal, particularly where children are involved.

Solid Foundations Counselling is not a crisis service. If you need support right now, Lifeline is available 24 hours on 13 11 14, and 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 for family and domestic violence. In an emergency, call 000.

If your partner won’t come and you want to start on your half, that’s work I do. I offer a free introductory call. No cost, no pressure, no obligation. Click the banner above or get in touch on 0422967392.

• Does couples counselling actually work?
• When should you go to couples counselling?
• What actually happens in a couples session?
• The check-in
• How do you ask for help when you’ve never had to?