Signs you might be struggling with depression

Frequently not sadness. In a lot of people, and particularly in men, depression presents as irritability, withdrawal, fatigue that sleep doesn’t fix, drinking more, and a flat inability to enjoy things that used to work. The clinical picture usually includes low mood, loss of interest, changes to sleep and appetite, difficulty concentrating and a sense of worthlessness, lasting most of the day, most days, for at least a fortnight. Only a GP or qualified professional can diagnose it, but you don’t need a diagnosis to be entitled to help.

The thing that stops most people acting is that they’re waiting to feel sad.

They are tired, snappy, drinking a bit more, sleeping badly, and finding no pleasure in things that reliably used to work. But they’re not sad, so they conclude it must be something else, and they keep going.

I wrote a poem in the middle of the worst period of my life because I had no other language for what was happening. Not because I’m a poet. Because the ordinary words weren’t available and I needed to get it somewhere outside my own head.

That’s how it goes for a lot of people. The experience arrives long before the vocabulary does.

Irritability rather than sadness. Short with people you care about, disproportionate reactions to small things, a low background hum of annoyance at everything. In men this is often the most visible sign and the least likely to be interpreted correctly by anyone, including him.

Fatigue that sleep doesn’t touch. Nine hours and you wake up flattened. It’s not a sleep problem.

Losing interest in things that reliably worked. Not everything at once. Usually the first thing to go is whatever took the most effort to organise.

Withdrawal that looks like being busy. Declining things, leaving early, letting messages sit. It rarely announces itself as withdrawal, and most people describe it as a busy patch.

Drinking more, or using anything more. Volume creeping up, or the timing shifting earlier, or drinking alone when you didn’t.

Difficulty with ordinary decisions. What to have for dinner becomes genuinely hard. That’s not indecisiveness, it’s cognitive load.

Physical symptoms. Headaches, gut trouble, aching. Depression shows up in the body more often than people expect, and a GP visit is worthwhile for its own reasons.

A gap between how you look and how you feel. The one people describe as loneliest. Everything appears fine from outside, so everyone treats you as fine, and the distance between the two becomes its own problem.

Worth knowing so you can bring something specific to a GP.

Broadly: low mood or loss of interest and pleasure, present most of the day, most days, for at least two weeks, alongside things like changed sleep or appetite, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt, and slowed or agitated movement.

Two things about that list.

Only a GP or a qualified professional can make that call, and I am not one. I am a Registered Counsellor and I do not diagnose.

And you don’t need to meet that threshold to be entitled to help. Plenty of people are having a genuinely bad time without qualifying for anything, and waiting to be unwell enough is the pattern that does the damage.

Tell one person the true version. Not the weather report they can already see. The gap between how you look and how you feel is where the isolation lives, and closing it slightly is the fastest available relief.

Book a GP appointment. This is the practical step people skip. A GP can rule out physical causes, including the long tail of unresolved trauma presenting physically, discuss options, and prepare a mental health treatment plan if it fits. It’s one appointment and it doesn’t commit you to anything.

Do the DASS-21 first. It takes three minutes, it’s on the Resources page, and this explains what the scores mean, and it gives you a specific recent number to bring to a ten minute appointment instead of trying to summarise six months from memory.

Don’t make permanent decisions while you’re in it. Depression argues persuasively and it argues in bad faith. It will tell you this is who you’re and that nothing on the other side is worth the effort. Those aren’t true and they’re convincing.

Keep something in the diary. One thing per week with a person in it. Not because it fixes anything. Because withdrawal accelerates and one anchor slows it down.

Ask, then wait. The useful part is the silence after the question, and most honest answers arrive on the second attempt rather than the first.

Don’t try to fix it. Ask what they need from you instead, and be prepared for the answer to be nothing much.

Then check in again next week. Consistency does more than intensity, and the person who keeps turning up is worth more than the person who solves it.

It lifts.

Not on schedule and not because you found the right thought, and I’d be lying if I said otherwise. It took me a long time and a lot of unglamorous work and several people who kept turning up.

But the version of this that tells you it’s permanent is the illness talking, and it’s wrong.

• Stop waiting to feel sad. Irritability, flatness and fatigue are more common presentations, particularly in men.

• Tell one person the true version. One honest sentence closes the gap that does most of the damage.

• Do the DASS-21, then book a GP appointment. Three minutes, then one appointment, with something specific to bring.

• Make no permanent decisions while you’re in it. Depression argues in bad faith and nothing lasting should be decided on its evidence.

• Keep one thing in the diary each week with a person in it. Withdrawal accelerates. An anchor slows it.

This week: do the DASS-21 and book the GP appointment. Both together take under twenty minutes.

Often irritability rather than sadness, withdrawal that looks like being busy, fatigue that sleep doesn’t resolve, increased drinking, losing interest in things that reliably worked, and difficulty with ordinary decisions.

Yes, and it’s common. Many people describe numbness, flatness or an absence of feeling rather than sadness, which is one of the main reasons it goes unrecognised for so long.

The clinical picture generally involves symptoms present most of the day, most days, for at least two weeks. Only a GP or qualified professional can make that assessment.

A GP, if you’re unsure. They can rule out physical causes, discuss all the options including medication, and prepare a mental health treatment plan. Counselling works well alongside that rather than instead of it.

You’re still entitled to help. Plenty of people have a genuinely bad time without qualifying for a diagnosis, and waiting until you’re unwell enough is the pattern that causes the harm.

Ask, then stay quiet long enough that they can answer properly. Don’t try to fix it. Ask what they need rather than guessing, and check in again the following week.

If you are worried someone may be monitoring the websites you visit, consider browsing safely.

Solid Foundations Counselling is not a crisis service. If you or someone you know needs immediate help, contact one of the following.

• Triple Zero on 000
• 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, 24 hours, any gender, family and sexual violence
• MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78, 24 hours
• Full Stop Australia on 1800 385 578, 24 hours, trauma counselling for people of all genders
• Lifeline on 13 11 14, or text 0477 13 11 14
• Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
• 13YARN on 13 92 76, 24 hours, for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people
• No to Violence, Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491, for men concerned about their own behaviour
• Family Drug and Gambling Help on 1300 660 068, 24 hours

If you recognise yourself here and you want to talk it through, I offer a free fifteen minute introductory call. No cost, no pressure, no obligation. If you need support tonight, the numbers above are better than I’m.

• What is the DASS-21?
• The long-term impact of unresolved trauma
• The darkness: what depression actually looks like
• How do you ask for help when you have never had to?
• The check-in